Monday, June 7, 2010

Blast From The Past: An Email To Gomes

Lesson in dealing with Gomes: BE FIRM

Dear Gomes,

I have tried many times to hint nicely. I am tired of being nice so here it is...If you don't do exactly what I say, I will not want to be your roommate any more. When this happens, I will start to routinely drop upper-deckers in your bathroom. I will shave Tim's head and hide all of the hair in small bundles around your room, in your pillow, in your shower loofah, in your printer mechanism, inside your down comforter (for extra insulation), in your monster cable lines, in the CD drive of your Mac mini, and in your gym bag. I will install a doggie door to your room so LOL can come and go as she pleases. I will scratch your face off of all of the pictures in our apartment. I will delete all of your Cops on DVR. I will delete all of your Family Guy's on DVR. I will no longer patronize your shipping center. I will siphon and subsequently steal gas from your car when you bring it home. I will eat all of your fake meat product. I will consume all of your Vapor, NOS, Protein, and other supplements in one giant shake and kill you in a testosterone-anabolic-fueled rage. After I kill you, I will cut you up into small pieces. Then I will convert the kegerator into a freezer and store those small pieces in the new freezer-kegerator. I will then serve LOL a piece of you every time she comes over to play. With that in mind, I suggest you listen up.